Letting Go Without Guilt: Your Memories Aren’t in the Stuff

Last month, I introduced you to Mary’s Journey, a new educational series inspired by my grandmother, Mary, and the lessons my family learned as she grew older.

This month, we’re beginning that journey with something I have discovered can stop a downsizing conversation before it ever really begins:

The stuff.

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with someone who tells me they know their home is becoming too much to maintain. They may want fewer stairs, a smaller yard, or a home that allows them more freedom.

And then they look around the room and say:

“Jennifer, what am I going to do with all of this?”

Sometimes that question feels more overwhelming than selling the house itself.

And I understand why.

These aren't simply things.

That china cabinet may hold the dishes your mother used every Christmas.

The dining room table may be where your children did their homework and where your family celebrated birthdays, graduations and holidays.

There are photographs, children's artwork, wedding gifts, collections, furniture inherited from parents and boxes filled with things we haven't looked at in years—but somehow still aren't quite ready to let go of.

When we talk about downsizing, we're really asking people to make decisions about a lifetime of memories.

No wonder it can be difficult.

But your children may not want your things

This is another conversation I have with families all the time.

Many of us grew up believing that certain things would naturally be passed down to the next generation.

The china.

The crystal.

The dining room set.

The antique furniture.

Then we ask our children which pieces they want and hear:

“Mom, I really don't need any of it.”

That can hurt.

But your children's decision not to keep something doesn't diminish its importance in your life.

Their homes may be smaller. Their decorating styles may be different. They may value different things.

And that's okay.

The goal isn't to convince someone else to treasure everything we've treasured.

The goal is to decide what still deserves a place in the life we're living now.

Marie Kondo and Swedish Death Cleaning

Two approaches to simplifying have received a lot of attention in recent years.

Marie Kondo encouraged people to consider whether an item still brings joy.

Swedish Death Cleaning takes a somewhat different approach. Despite its rather startling name, the idea isn't really morbid at all.

It's about gradually simplifying your possessions so that you can enjoy your home and, someday, leave fewer difficult decisions for the people you love.

I think there are valuable lessons in both.

But I also don't believe you need to follow anyone else's rules.

This is your home. These are your belongings. And this is your story.

You don't have to get rid of everything.

You don't have to become a minimalist.

And you certainly don't have to clean out 40 years of belongings in a weekend.

Start small

Pick one drawer.

One closet.

One box.

Ask yourself:

Do I use it?

Do I love it?

Would someone in my family like to have it now?

Could someone else use it more than I do?

Am I keeping the object—or am I afraid that letting go of it means letting go of the memory?

That last question can be powerful.

Sometimes taking a photograph of a meaningful object, writing down the story behind it, or giving it to someone who will actually use it allows us to preserve what really matters without keeping everything.

Because ultimately:

The memory isn't in the china.

It's in the Christmas dinners when the china was used.

The memory isn't in the dining room table.

It's in the people who gathered around it.

And letting go of an object doesn't mean letting go of any of that.

Let's have this conversation together

This October, Mary’s Journey begins with one of my most popular seminars:

Letting Go Without Guilt

We'll talk about Marie Kondo, Swedish Death Cleaning, sentimental belongings, furniture, what your children actually want, selling, donating and clean-outs.

I'll also be highlighting a local Oberlin company that helps families with furniture, household contents and clean-outs, so we can discuss some of the practical questions that inevitably come with simplifying a home.

And I'm offering the seminar in two Lorain County locations:

Grafton — Saturday, October 17

Amherst — Thursday, October 22

These are free educational conversations, and you do not need to be planning a move to attend.

In fact, I would much rather you begin sorting through these questions when you have plenty of time and no deadline.

And if you're an adult child reading this, consider coming with Mom or Dad.

Sometimes the best way to begin a difficult conversation is simply to learn together.

Mary’s Journey isn't about telling anyone when it's time to move.

It's about giving families information, resources and a place to have conversations before life makes the decisions for them.

And sometimes that journey begins with something as simple as opening one drawer.